I literally could NOT for the life of me figure out how to post this on my other blog.....I'm going to blame google tonight...
I was re-reading through some journal enteries that I wrote a few years ago. I found them reinspiring and felt like sharing. I don't necessarily know the exact things these thoughts were birthed from but I feel the overall theme is ever present.
6-23-10
Nod your head, don't worry young man you'll find your way, its never far, its never far away. This isn't the first time, I swear it won't be the last you question your sanity. Where are you going and are you proud to be from there. I've shoved these hollow thoughts down for so long, they look brand new again. Theirs only a few mistakes we'll want to make...everything else we will later consider successes.
---July - 10
It's been a while since I've been real with me. Giving my time away always seems like the answer when your running away. I went home just to see this final work carried through, now it's long gone. Sleep well, the day will break before you get a chance to make it right, forget about the details I can't remember the last time it mattered anyway. I swear it took my life time to get to where I'm at, yet its a silly thing how it looks a awful lot like where it all began. Its no mystery that this world is failing me, yet everyday I see Heaven coming clear...
12-11
Sometimes we have to make choices that rip your heart out to save someone else that very same pain. Sometimes you can't save someone in exchange for your own life, Sometimes....life isn't fair, although it does have a way of figuring itself out. In matters of love, I resolve we are all incredibly ignorant as good of intentions as we have.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Saturday, May 26, 2012
crayons
God never ceases to amaze me. There are times when I am so impressed with just how much attention God pays to even the most minute of details. How He entertains the simplest of desires. The other day I was trying to think of things I could do with my 2 1/2 year old son while his daddy was at work. We recently relocated to a new state and thus very unfamiliar territory and very few people who we know. With that being said you can understand why I'm not too eager to just venture out in the evenings totting my two children. So the other day I decide that I need to get some colors for my son so that we can enjoy some time at the table in the evenings.
As a family just starting out I've been trying to really watch our finances and not just rush out to buy anything and everything I think we may need. Food = need Colors = can wait...so I rationalize that instead of rushing out to get colors I will wait til Ryan gets paid and we go to the store next. The next day I was cleaning as the kids slept and I came across a coloring book that a employee at the grocery store had given Gabe. I held on to it with the thought "Now I don't have to buy a coloring book once we get colors he can use this one!" As the house remained silent I began to pray that the Lord would give me some creative ideas of things I could do with him when he got up. That may seem silly but I'm simply not as good as Ryan is at making car, and explosion noises. Nor am I able to morph into a lion at the drop of a hat.
Once gabe woke up I decided that we would circle around a few houses in his little red wagon. The house next to us sits on the corner and is empty. No one has lived there since we moved here so we went through the connecting back yard and circled the side of the house that is closest to the street. Laying right there on the ground was a box of brand new crayons just sprinkled in the grass. Tips 100% in tact. I had to laugh... God new my heart was to really connect with my son, along with truly wanting to be a good Stuart of our finances. And in the waiting, God was able to give me both.
As a family just starting out I've been trying to really watch our finances and not just rush out to buy anything and everything I think we may need. Food = need Colors = can wait...so I rationalize that instead of rushing out to get colors I will wait til Ryan gets paid and we go to the store next. The next day I was cleaning as the kids slept and I came across a coloring book that a employee at the grocery store had given Gabe. I held on to it with the thought "Now I don't have to buy a coloring book once we get colors he can use this one!" As the house remained silent I began to pray that the Lord would give me some creative ideas of things I could do with him when he got up. That may seem silly but I'm simply not as good as Ryan is at making car, and explosion noises. Nor am I able to morph into a lion at the drop of a hat.
Once gabe woke up I decided that we would circle around a few houses in his little red wagon. The house next to us sits on the corner and is empty. No one has lived there since we moved here so we went through the connecting back yard and circled the side of the house that is closest to the street. Laying right there on the ground was a box of brand new crayons just sprinkled in the grass. Tips 100% in tact. I had to laugh... God new my heart was to really connect with my son, along with truly wanting to be a good Stuart of our finances. And in the waiting, God was able to give me both.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
Be. the. best that you can be.
In my mind I am envisioning a huge executive desk.... A hand crafted 'Alex Stuart' Design Oak Executive Desk With Glass top, 3 pull out writing areas, 6 drawers, and a fancy gold plated name plate that sits front and center with my name engraved on it. Megan R. Jox.
On top of my desk sits my PC, because I'm still embarrassingly untrained on a mac, and because I most certainly need my computer in order to put down my thoughts, compress my pictures, surf the web, edit my videos, check my email, and Skye my long losts....
Beside my computer sits my calculator. I most certainly need my calculator because i financially maintain (using that word loosely) my own business, music endeavors, and family and its imperative that continually crunch numbers. My calculator reveals my caloric intake for a meal along with my fat grams. My calculator helps keep my brain from exploding and my heart from fretting.
Next to my calculator is blank paged cure all notebook. The pages are line less and free to keep any thought, idea, training session, recipe, story, accounted for in some fashion. Most of the times I keep my plans for my clients upcoming workouts in here because this notebook goes everywhere with me all the time. Its not the most organized, but its certainly the most reliable traveler.
I have a cup of brand new pens on this side. The click kind, with the ball point end. I've never been much of a caped pen girl, it always seemed like too much hassle and I would always end up chewing the lids to a shameful pulp. My psych teacher informed my I have a oral fixation problem, I guess that sounds right. ;)
Sitting on the other side of my computer sits my lamp. I ALWAYS have this thing on. I love light. Since the time I was small I consistently have a issue of leaving every light in the house on. Not because I like to waste energy but simply because I love light. I want to see as much as I can see. Light in and of itself seems to breed life and energy, two things I'm always wanting more of.
Next to my lamp is Ryan. Not literally Ryan that would be silly.`But my GQ picture of Ryan. Ryan has always been so encouraging to me, and I love having him, even if it is 2 dimensional next to me at all times.
Beside Ryan sits my baby monitor. Generally if I'm at my desk Gabe would have to be sleeping. Not much 'desk worthy' tasks actually get completed if he isn't. So at my desk I listen.
I stand 5 feet in front of my desk, just staring at it....looking at the things I have neatly in their place. The glass topped desk is freshly cleaned and streak free. In my mind I'm standing in a huge office 3 of the walls are all glass and overlook the city 26 floors below....its quite and the I just stare at my desk. All of a sudden people start rushing in to my office with mounds of papers! Files, and boxes! the huge glass doors that separated me from silence and the rest of my made up corporate conscience are now swinging open and closed more rapidly then they were made to do, and with each swing of the door my desk becomes buried in another foot of "paper work". I'm dumbfounded and over whelmed uncertain of how to make all of this stop, this goes on and on for what seems like hours and finally just when the door had stopped swinging for a few seconds, time enough for me to thing it was over....the mail boy enters. He looks at my once neat, clean organized very focused desk and takes a deep breath. Instead of laying the letter he had for me on my desk he just looks at me apologetically and hands me the business size envelope and quickly scurries out of the room to avoid any glares I might usher his way..... My lip quivers a moment and then I look down at the envelope addressed to me. I take my finger, and my disheartened heart and separate the envelope lip from its companion...I pull out the single piece of paper which read....
"Be the best you can be"
..............................BE THE BEST I CAN BE?.......................................................................
Was this some sort of sick joke? How can I be the best I can be when I can't even find what I'm suppose to be the BEST at? I've got so much piled on top of me it would take a superhero to be the BEST at all of this. Can't the person who sent me this letter SEE by the fire hazard on my desk I'll be lucky to make it out alive let alone be the BEST at all the things I clearly need to refile? But then a calm comes over me and still small voice says to me....."You can't"............."I Can".
Over the past 2 weeks, I have been out on the road with my family. No clients to call, no workouts to organize, no concerts to sing, no moral obligations or deadlines to meet. I've been here. I can almost breathe. I can almost see clearly. I want so bad to do so many things. I'd like to be a ninja, truly. I always wanted to be a gymnast, a figure skater, currently I want to train to get into fitness modeling, I want to be the best trainer to all the women I work for, I want to be the best mom and wife to Gabe and Ryan, I want to write the best songs, I want to be the best Christ follower. i want to be the best friend, the best financial keeper, the best house cleaner, the best gardener, the best, the best the best the best............ The papers all over my desk represent my thoughts, my worries, all MY personal desires and ALL the things I have created on my own to be the "best" at. But I'm not certain God created me to be the best at all of these. So in my mind, I see my desk in all of its cluttered, ransacked glory....I walk up to it, I take my arm and I sweep the whole thing clean. Yup, straight on to the floor. I look down into the glass top..."Hey!" *wink and shoot my fingers at my reflection and walk over to floor and dig diligently through the mess. The first thing I pick up is the light. I set it bck on my desk. Next I pick up my picture of Ryan, and place it next to my light. After that my monitor. And after that I just sit in silence. This is really what I've got to do. In order to truly be the best at anything you must dedicate your life to it. I'm tired of attempting to be the best at things God has not asked me to be the best at. He is the only one who can prepare me to be the best at anything, so doesn't it make sense i allow Him and only Him to fill my "to-do" box? :)
Lord that you would give me, give us all the strength to say no to things that we love but are not Your best for us. Thank you for helping us hear your voice clearly in directing us in how you want us to spend our time and energy. Our desire is to see you glorified in all things.
On top of my desk sits my PC, because I'm still embarrassingly untrained on a mac, and because I most certainly need my computer in order to put down my thoughts, compress my pictures, surf the web, edit my videos, check my email, and Skye my long losts....
Beside my computer sits my calculator. I most certainly need my calculator because i financially maintain (using that word loosely) my own business, music endeavors, and family and its imperative that continually crunch numbers. My calculator reveals my caloric intake for a meal along with my fat grams. My calculator helps keep my brain from exploding and my heart from fretting.
Next to my calculator is blank paged cure all notebook. The pages are line less and free to keep any thought, idea, training session, recipe, story, accounted for in some fashion. Most of the times I keep my plans for my clients upcoming workouts in here because this notebook goes everywhere with me all the time. Its not the most organized, but its certainly the most reliable traveler.
I have a cup of brand new pens on this side. The click kind, with the ball point end. I've never been much of a caped pen girl, it always seemed like too much hassle and I would always end up chewing the lids to a shameful pulp. My psych teacher informed my I have a oral fixation problem, I guess that sounds right. ;)
Sitting on the other side of my computer sits my lamp. I ALWAYS have this thing on. I love light. Since the time I was small I consistently have a issue of leaving every light in the house on. Not because I like to waste energy but simply because I love light. I want to see as much as I can see. Light in and of itself seems to breed life and energy, two things I'm always wanting more of.
Next to my lamp is Ryan. Not literally Ryan that would be silly.`But my GQ picture of Ryan. Ryan has always been so encouraging to me, and I love having him, even if it is 2 dimensional next to me at all times.
Beside Ryan sits my baby monitor. Generally if I'm at my desk Gabe would have to be sleeping. Not much 'desk worthy' tasks actually get completed if he isn't. So at my desk I listen.
I stand 5 feet in front of my desk, just staring at it....looking at the things I have neatly in their place. The glass topped desk is freshly cleaned and streak free. In my mind I'm standing in a huge office 3 of the walls are all glass and overlook the city 26 floors below....its quite and the I just stare at my desk. All of a sudden people start rushing in to my office with mounds of papers! Files, and boxes! the huge glass doors that separated me from silence and the rest of my made up corporate conscience are now swinging open and closed more rapidly then they were made to do, and with each swing of the door my desk becomes buried in another foot of "paper work". I'm dumbfounded and over whelmed uncertain of how to make all of this stop, this goes on and on for what seems like hours and finally just when the door had stopped swinging for a few seconds, time enough for me to thing it was over....the mail boy enters. He looks at my once neat, clean organized very focused desk and takes a deep breath. Instead of laying the letter he had for me on my desk he just looks at me apologetically and hands me the business size envelope and quickly scurries out of the room to avoid any glares I might usher his way..... My lip quivers a moment and then I look down at the envelope addressed to me. I take my finger, and my disheartened heart and separate the envelope lip from its companion...I pull out the single piece of paper which read....
"Be the best you can be"
..............................BE THE BEST I CAN BE?.......................................................................
Was this some sort of sick joke? How can I be the best I can be when I can't even find what I'm suppose to be the BEST at? I've got so much piled on top of me it would take a superhero to be the BEST at all of this. Can't the person who sent me this letter SEE by the fire hazard on my desk I'll be lucky to make it out alive let alone be the BEST at all the things I clearly need to refile? But then a calm comes over me and still small voice says to me....."You can't"............."I Can".
Over the past 2 weeks, I have been out on the road with my family. No clients to call, no workouts to organize, no concerts to sing, no moral obligations or deadlines to meet. I've been here. I can almost breathe. I can almost see clearly. I want so bad to do so many things. I'd like to be a ninja, truly. I always wanted to be a gymnast, a figure skater, currently I want to train to get into fitness modeling, I want to be the best trainer to all the women I work for, I want to be the best mom and wife to Gabe and Ryan, I want to write the best songs, I want to be the best Christ follower. i want to be the best friend, the best financial keeper, the best house cleaner, the best gardener, the best, the best the best the best............ The papers all over my desk represent my thoughts, my worries, all MY personal desires and ALL the things I have created on my own to be the "best" at. But I'm not certain God created me to be the best at all of these. So in my mind, I see my desk in all of its cluttered, ransacked glory....I walk up to it, I take my arm and I sweep the whole thing clean. Yup, straight on to the floor. I look down into the glass top..."Hey!" *wink and shoot my fingers at my reflection and walk over to floor and dig diligently through the mess. The first thing I pick up is the light. I set it bck on my desk. Next I pick up my picture of Ryan, and place it next to my light. After that my monitor. And after that I just sit in silence. This is really what I've got to do. In order to truly be the best at anything you must dedicate your life to it. I'm tired of attempting to be the best at things God has not asked me to be the best at. He is the only one who can prepare me to be the best at anything, so doesn't it make sense i allow Him and only Him to fill my "to-do" box? :)
Lord that you would give me, give us all the strength to say no to things that we love but are not Your best for us. Thank you for helping us hear your voice clearly in directing us in how you want us to spend our time and energy. Our desire is to see you glorified in all things.
Monday, April 25, 2011
Open these eyes! I'm a 27 year old blind women!
I'm 27 years old....and a half. And I often times feel so blind. I don't wear glasses or contacts, I've never had to feel my way around the house. As far as I can tell I'm pretty on point with recognizing different shades of colors and yet I am often so incredibly blind. Everyday, I'm in and out of peoples lives. We're all connected, Facebook and other social networks along with the ever so convenient smart phone have made sure of that. Of course their are several advantages and disadvantages but one thing I've noticed about how we're "connected and relate" we often miss out on meaningful relationships. This week I have decided that above all else, I want to truly walk with the Lord. My hunger for that personal time with the Father has been amplified but more that that my desire to SEE has also increased. I"m tired of looking through my physical eyes, these bad boys only allow me to see so much. The eyes of my heart are the ones I long to look through, the eyes that see to the heart of other individuals. To their hurts and their needs, I'm so incredibly tired of looking in the mirror and only seeing myself. I posted a status last night on my facebook about if anyone needed prayer request to please email me, I truly want to focus on others needs....the responses I got nearly drove me to tears. My heart broke as I not only read the needs of my friends past and present, but to know that how "connected" we are....we'll were really not at all. Father forgive me for being so self consumed to not hear or see the burdens of those around me. We're all in this together team, and if we take some time and choose to put our own "to-do" lists aside for just a moment we might see that those around us need some help! :) We are mightier together, and I'm so thankful that even for just today I can see.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Today is Monday.
Today is Monday. And I FULLY understand that like most people I'm suppose to despise this day. I'm suppose to hit the alarm clock and along with that incredibly annoying buzz thing to myself "ughhh it's Monday." Force my feet to sing over the side of the bed and sit there with my hands on my head reciting that daunting phrase over and over until I finally slap my face with a few splashes of cold water and then make my way to the coffee pot for a quick gust of false liquid energy. But to be honest....I don't feel like that at all.
Monday to me is a empty canvas, a horizon of endless possibilities for the week. Monday is just like a morning to me, a flawless breath of fresh air. Last week is behind me and the new week is before me.
This morning I finally got back into the word of God. Its something I had let slide for a few weeks. With the excuse of nothing more than laziness, and selfishness. And the word I received today was nothing less than Divine.
Romans 12:1 - Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
Its pretty discouraging to say this but the truth is I've been pretty horrible at all 3 of these very simple and clear cut instructions. Love without hypocrisy. - Hmm...gosh when its put like that it seems so cut and dry, so easy to digest. And of course our gut instinct is to say "of course!" but what IS love? Do we really fully understand that word? Have we taken the time to completely digest all that word encompasses? And if we haven't then how can we possibly assume that we have allowed it to be without hypocrisy? I think of all the selfish things I've done, and how at times I really genuinely struggle to put the needs of others before my own, even and especially those I love. -- Let love be without hypocrisy. Wow, God forgive me and give me new vision for what this really looks like.
Abhor what is evil - Abhor...hate what is evil. OF COURSE I HATE WHAT IS EVIL....or do I? Lets be real folks. Evil looks fun. Evil looks glamorous. Evil looks popular, and evil looks dangerous. All the things we THINK we want a lot of time has a root in evil. And really somethings that aren't even evil become evil simply because of where our heart lies concerning it. I can't say I hate money, I actually like money. But when all I desire is money, we've now crossed over to evil. Too often I find myself making that subtle transition and not even realizing it until I'm far too gone and end up having to spend some serious time in spiritual purging. I pray I abhor evil, to truly abhor evil I have a feeling my life would look considerably different. And not out of religious "duty" or legalism, but out of a genuine desire and love for the Father.
Cling to what is Good. C-L-I-N-G. To hold tightly. I think about how quickly my world gets turned upside down, when I take my eyes off of God. Even simple things, like taking care of myself which is seemingly a good thing can easily become a bad thing when it devours all my time and energy. God is good. He will ALWAYS be good, because He has always BEEN good. If we are clinging to God, everything else will fall into its place. God is truly the only rock in this life. All else is decaying from the time it is created. Why place your Faith in anything other than God, He is the only one that will still be when we cease to exists on this earth anymore.
Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
Happy Monday to you!
Monday to me is a empty canvas, a horizon of endless possibilities for the week. Monday is just like a morning to me, a flawless breath of fresh air. Last week is behind me and the new week is before me.
This morning I finally got back into the word of God. Its something I had let slide for a few weeks. With the excuse of nothing more than laziness, and selfishness. And the word I received today was nothing less than Divine.
Romans 12:1 - Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
Its pretty discouraging to say this but the truth is I've been pretty horrible at all 3 of these very simple and clear cut instructions. Love without hypocrisy. - Hmm...gosh when its put like that it seems so cut and dry, so easy to digest. And of course our gut instinct is to say "of course!" but what IS love? Do we really fully understand that word? Have we taken the time to completely digest all that word encompasses? And if we haven't then how can we possibly assume that we have allowed it to be without hypocrisy? I think of all the selfish things I've done, and how at times I really genuinely struggle to put the needs of others before my own, even and especially those I love. -- Let love be without hypocrisy. Wow, God forgive me and give me new vision for what this really looks like.
Abhor what is evil - Abhor...hate what is evil. OF COURSE I HATE WHAT IS EVIL....or do I? Lets be real folks. Evil looks fun. Evil looks glamorous. Evil looks popular, and evil looks dangerous. All the things we THINK we want a lot of time has a root in evil. And really somethings that aren't even evil become evil simply because of where our heart lies concerning it. I can't say I hate money, I actually like money. But when all I desire is money, we've now crossed over to evil. Too often I find myself making that subtle transition and not even realizing it until I'm far too gone and end up having to spend some serious time in spiritual purging. I pray I abhor evil, to truly abhor evil I have a feeling my life would look considerably different. And not out of religious "duty" or legalism, but out of a genuine desire and love for the Father.
Cling to what is Good. C-L-I-N-G. To hold tightly. I think about how quickly my world gets turned upside down, when I take my eyes off of God. Even simple things, like taking care of myself which is seemingly a good thing can easily become a bad thing when it devours all my time and energy. God is good. He will ALWAYS be good, because He has always BEEN good. If we are clinging to God, everything else will fall into its place. God is truly the only rock in this life. All else is decaying from the time it is created. Why place your Faith in anything other than God, He is the only one that will still be when we cease to exists on this earth anymore.
Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
Happy Monday to you!
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